Over the past few weeks and months I’ve written a lot about intimacy and how to deepen and foster the intimacy in a relationship. That’s well and good but I get couples asking me, what if there’s been little intimacy to date….?
Or some being brutally honest claim that a sense of animosity exists and negative communication patterns are the norm?
So what do you do? In the first instance take a good hard look at the situation…Objectively. Are you able to sit down and talk together…? Intimacy is fostered by breaking down the barriers. Just as in war…Fences divide!
If this is the case… Here’s a quick and easy exercise that acts as a pattern interrupt… breaking the cycle of poor communication where things have been left unsaid that need to be expressed.
…This simple exercise aims to break the current patterns and bring renewed vigour into the relationship. That said to be done well it requires commitment that at least one of you wants things to change…
And what I love about this exercise is that it provides a simple, quick fix that addresses any tension that may exist between the two of you.
If no tension exists in your relationship it’s a great exercise to do together anyway.
So here we go…
Peaceful Connections – Sitting Side by Side
Agree to sit next to one another, side by side.
i) If there’s tension between you and your partner there’s no need to explain or justify your request. Simply ask your partner would he or she be willing to sit with you for a minute or so – quietly? (For no reason at all – just that it’s something that you’d like to do – that would make you feel safe and treasured.)
ii) If there’s NO tension between you and your partner, simply suggest to your partner that you have a game that you’d like to try – and would he or she be willing to play along – Just for the fun of it!
Irrespective of there being tension or not, once seated ask your partner if it would be OK if you were both to hold hands together… Or if you could rest your hand on his knee and he do the same with you… Then sit quietly together….
So resting your hands on one another’s knees… Just sit together in silence. And breathe! Try to match your partner’s breathing pattern.
At the end of say 5 minutes thank your partner for the time that was given to you.
And if it feels appropriate share your feelings…in a few words. Using only positive feelings and words… of how it felt to do the exercise.
How did this exercise make you feel…? If things are still somewhat tense…Thank your partner for sharing the time and experience with you and let them know that the experience made you feel safe and loved…
Only use positive words towards your partner in this sharing. Share how that felt for you…How special it made you feel. Remember to use only positive and affectionate words.
And if you felt a connection while doing the exercise, share what that connection meant for you. Openly and honestly…
No need for lengthy explanations…In fact in the beginning the shorter the better… This is about sincerity in connection, not overwhelmingly enthusiastic or meaningless praise!
It’s about getting heart centered and feeling connection and intimacy through touch and feel.
Just thank your partner and give your partner feedback on how the exercise made you feel towards him or her.
There’s no need to get into a lengthy discussion as to the purpose of the exercise…
…If there are any queries as to what the exercise was about – be nonchalant. Just thank your partner for his or her co-operation… And say…
‘I just wanted to hold your hand and feel your presence and I did – thank you. If it’s OK with you I’d like to do this again as it made me feel very special and I like feeling special with you. Would that be OK?’
NO lengthy conversations! This is about connecting again, and feeling into that connection. And positive silence is a very healthy way to begin to build connection or to strengthen it…
If you feel a need for a lengthy conversation agree to take a walk or a drive together.
Something you might want to note is that men find it easier to discuss their feelings when they’re not being confronted one on one across a table.
Side by side allows them to process the information on an emotional level…without feeling confronted…
And whatever you share…Remember to thank your partner for sharing with you.
Simply say ‘thank you for sharing this with me’!
And if it did ‘It felt really special for me’.
Respect and honesty are simple tools that when used well will very quickly nurture an intimate environment…
If your relationship is already quite strong…you’ll love this exercise.
Sitting quietly together connecting in silence is a very powerful tool! And Deeprak Chopra says that one of the most powerful exercises you can do with a loved one is sit and share a few moments of silence together.
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