In a recent post I talked about the importance of maintaining a healthy and intimate sex life if you want to create and maintain a healthy, deeply, loving relationship. And in that post I suggest scheduling time in for sex as a means of ensuring that time for connecting sexually becomes a priority in the relationship.
If you read that article you may recall that I suggested that scheduling in time for sex is very important. And that if sex isn’t scheduled in… it typically falls off the radar of one party, typically the woman’s and it doesn’t happen.
So what you may ask?
The Role of Sex in a Healthy, Loving Relationship
It’s important to understand that for men and women, sex plays quite different roles in the way we relate. Each important in their own unique way… As summed up in this very apt quote.
‘Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.’ – Billy Crystal, US comedian & movie actor
While sex enhances the intimacy and deepens a relationship, women need a reason to have sex. Men don’t. Sex, particularly for a younger man, is a physical necessity… which many women don’t appreciate.
Let me explain with this simple analogy…
An Analogy for Women to Consider…
Ladies if your significant other came home from work starving hungry, would you feed him…? Would you make him a meal?
Would you direct him to the refrigerator and tell him what was available at short notice… Or would you tell him that he’d have to wait a day or two till you’re prepared to eat as well, to make a meal or to agree that there was food available for consumption?
Sound silly? I think that you’ll agree that that sounds way too silly…
But that’s exactly what we women do! Time and time again!
When your significant other nudges up to you and indicates that he’s in the mood for play, he’s indicating that he wants some physical action… sexual connection. And your rejection of his physical suggestions is similar to your telling him that he’ll have to wait before he can have something to eat… Or before you’ll consider feeding him!
Men’s Physiological Need for Sex
That’s right. What most men will not tell you is that they experience sex as a legitimate physiological or basic physical need.
While your man’s sexual desire is impacted by what’s around him… the sight of a beautiful woman and the like that desire is primarily determined by biological factors, specifically the presence of testosterone in his body.
And in the same way that your body tells you that you’re hungry, thirsty, or tired… a man’s body tells him when he needs a sexual release.
And just as you feel replete after eating a meal, a man is satisfied immediately after he’s experienced a sexual release. And it’s through this release that he feels both physically satisfied and emotionally connected to you, his partner…
If that’s the case…why does a man need frequent sexual experiences…?
Men’s Need for Frequent Sexual Connections
It’s simple. It’s nature’s plan kicking in again.
Immediately after his sexual release a man’s sexual clock kicks in and his sexual thoughts become prevalent again… which accounts for why men are so easily sexually aroused.
In essence a man’s physical need for sex or sexual release intensifies as the sperm in his testicles builds up. A man’s body continues to produce and store sperm based on his levels of testosterone and the frequency of his sexual release.
For a younger man if this build-up is not released approx. every 72 hours – so approx. every three days… the physical sensations associated with this build up become extremely painful. I’ve had this explained to me as a sense of dis – ease in the genital area!
It’s this tension or pain experienced that’s quite difficult for many women to understand.
The Female Desire for Sexual Intimacy
Contrary to a man’s physical need for sexual intimacy, a woman’s desire for sexual intimacy is connected to her desire to be loved. When a woman feels safe, appreciated and loved by her partner, she desires a physical and sexual connection…
And through the act of sexual intimacy feels a close relationship with her partner.
Men and Women are Wired Differently
So men’s and women’s needs for sexual intimacy and connection and desire for arousal are essentially juxtaposed. Men experience a physical desire first… that then creates an emotional attachment. While women experience and need an emotional desire prior to feeling safe to engage physically…
This physical need men have for sex is one of the biggest differences between men and women.
It’s also the need that most women least understand, let alone appreciate…
This is one area of disparity between men and women where ladies it’s easiest just to accept the facts or science… and accept that when it comes to sex men and women are wired differently.
Men need to have sex as a physical release and in that physical release, two chemicals are released into the blood stream, Serotonin and Dopamine and through their release a man experiences a deep emotional connection with his partner.
Essentially in sharing a sexual encounter with his partner a man connects with this partner at the deepest level.
A man’s primal instinct is to protect and keep his partner safe, and through the act of love making a man is able to act out this primal need to pleasure and delight his loved one.
So by not being open to his requests for sex, women are unconsciously sabotaging the health and overall wellbeing of their relationships…
…As the basic needs of their partner are not being met… And in tandem to that in not being open or conscious to his needs men begin to question themselves in two quite distinct ways… As mentioned before… The first is that they begin to question their sense of themselves as lovers and providers, their overall worth.
In addition to that they begin to question their sense of their own masculinity…
They begin to feel that they’re not worthy enough! And what’s worse is that we as women often have no idea that that’s the message we’re sending. Let alone that being the message we want or intend to send.
So What’s the Answer?
It’s easy. If you want to take your relationship to the next level… and really create the deep emotional connection that most of us dream of… then take the time to understand and appreciate that for your man sex and having his sexual advances satisfied are basic needs for him…
…Appreciate that what we both desire and want from sexual intimacy are the same… to feel loved and connected at the deepest level possible.
So schedule in time for sex and see what a difference it makes to his moods, your feelings of being connected and to the overall state of bliss that you both feel.
Recapture the Moment
And don’t be put off by the concept of scheduling in time for sex… You did just that … Scheduled in time for sex in those early rapturous moments of early dating…
Remember those flirtatious smiles and rapturous comments…? All with the intention of being attractive, engaging… and physically desirable?
Really…? How spontaneous was that…?
And as your relationship got a little more committed do you recall how much time you spent thinking about how and when you were going to connect and have sex? And what you could do or wear to make the sex more appealing?
That’s not spontaneous! That’s pre-meditated! It may not have been articulated, but it was certainly scheduled… And beautifully orchestrated…
When you dated you knew how each date would end… And you prepared yourself for the seduction… Hot steamy, delicious sex!
Dates became scheduled sex…but in the heat of the dating that’s not how anyone likes to see or remember it.
Early Days of Marriage
In the early days of marriage most couples set up the best times for them to have sex and sex very quickly falls into a routine… Mornings rather than evenings… Weekends rather than weeknights! Right?
That’s scheduled sex…! The only difference is that you probably fell into the routine or schedule rather than consciously creating it. So nothing was overtly discussed.
Now it’s time for you to create that time and mood again…consciously…To have a conversation with your partner where you tell him ever so sweetly that you’d like to make a date to have sex!
And in that doing explain why… because you love him… and miss him…
Open up the dialogue…and once open, schedule in time, a date for sex.
And then keep the date! And make sure that you schedule in enough sex for each of you…each week!
And most important of all have fun.
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